STRANGER

Dear Stranger,

I have always thought that I would be one. A Runaway Bride. Sometimes I dream about this. Dreams, not nightmares. Dreams.

Yes. I’m up at 4.17am thinking about some of life’s biggest decisions and perfecting my plans, future, career, Marriage, death, funerals, births, anniversaries, etc. Yes. 4.17am . It’s not that I don’t want to sleep. Or that any of these events in life is especially important that I want to lose sleep thinking and planning. I can’t sleep. Sleep hates me. I’m insomniac and proud. Not that I have a choice anyway. So, I might as well do something profitable.

Anyway, we recently connected and start the story, then (thanks to Facebook, of course) and we start conversation, I realized we were both in the same country, gym, bussiness and hoppies and albeit different mental but have a lot of common. Being the kind of friends I like his way, we chatted a lot and after sending messages back and after one day of conversation and getting updated with each other’s lives, I feel terrible Coz I don’t know why I Missed him then We have decided to call each other to start our real friendshis…

From my initial chat with this stranger I can not easily tell who is going to run the relationship, how long it would last and even who would call it off even before I agree to date this stranger, It is very hard to tell. I Call it perceptive, paranoid or even controlling, I don’t care. I just call it “facing reality”.

I am expecting him that person that puts me out of my comfort zone and i will tell him about my 3alam el karamish looool, and challenges how “the normal” is for me. I have gotten to that zone :), which is good. it’s my loklok loklok 🙂

again Dear Stranger,

Every once in a while I think about you. How you live somewhere around me or far away from me or near me and how I didn’t know you before , I am not the type of girl boys fall in love with, I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, at least that is my understanding. But what if we are not strangers?! What if we knew each other long ago in a past life? You could be my sister, brother, friend, enemy or lover. Maybe we will meet one day and not even realize it… or perhaps we see one another every day and never realize it. you are just a stranger to me. but yesterday, I’ve been seeing you in my dreams. I’ve never met you. I don’t know how you’re doing or where you are right now or if you really even exist? But I know in my dreams I was insanely head over heels in like with you and miss you. Wide awake I can clearly picture your face, the colour of your skin, your smile, your eyes but I don’t know your smell, your touch. Maybe,Can I tell you everything, If I could find the words, would you listen? Then maybe you could see the real me.. I don’t even know how. Words, actions, expressions, attitudes. it’s been forever since it’s been real. Maybe with you, I can have a fresh start. We can try and understand each other.There is something in you that made me like you.

Regards,
Salam

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NEVER

Dear Stranger,

I’m confused. How exactly is love supposed to feel like? Cos sometimes you find someone and think that’s “The One” and then something happens. It gets tiring sometimes feeling like all you do is hurt other people’s feelings. No one was born a heart breaker. Well some people enjoy the thrill….. But as you grow older, surely it’s not something you want people to remember you by. Or is it?

Every time I hear stories about new love, I count down the honeymoon days. That’s when everything is rosy and the couple keep talking about “never hurting” each other. Seriously! Never hurting?! Can you even comprehend the meaning of the word “never”? Can you keep your word about “NEVER” hurting a person? This is a mistake one too many people make. You think you can stay doe-eyed for as long as you are dating a person to “never” hurt him/her? Why do break-ups happen then? Why don’t we all stay with the very first person we hook up with? Why do heartbreaks and hatred and jealousy spring up?

Things don’t ever stay rosy. Something can’t be good ALL the time. Life sets in. Life happens. There are always highs and lows in any kind of relationship. Albeit with your friends, family, colleagues, etc. So why will you think that a romantic relationship will be any different? Love is THAT blinding? Oh it’s like that? I guess some of us haven’t fallen in love then. I mean, the extent to which this one emotion “LOVE” makes people go. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this one scenario I never thought I would hear about happening in Ghana (VERY nave, I know!)

How does a girl go from dating a dude to threatening suicide if he goes through with breaking up with her. And then ACTUALLY attempting suicide when he called her bluff? :s I’m honestly VERY confused. And this is a dude who wasn’t even your first. Like really. How exactly does this make sense? A high school graduate in the university, decides to throw her life away and all her family’s toils…… How in heaven’s name do this make any sense? A person is worth you throwing your life away? You think he’ll let his life stop because you dead? No way!

People really need to re-evaluate their use of the words “love” and “never”. I have no idea where I was going with this letter…..and with my thoughts. But as usual,

regards,

Salam

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I hate my birthday!

I hate my birthday a lot for the past 5 or 4 years my birthday has had me hating the day I was born. 2 years in a row my family has forgotten my birthday oh what makes it better one year they waited two weeks to realize they missed it. I didn’t get a sorry or anything they just said oh why didn’t you say anything. WHY THE HELL SHOULD I SAY ANYTHING. YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT WHEN THE FUCK I WAS BORN. YOU COULDN’T EVEN PUT A FUCKING REMINDER ON YOUR PHONE OR ON A CALENDER SO YOU CAN WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY. And it’s not even the presents. I don’t want anything on my birthday. I just want to spend time with people who are suppose to love me. Oh and my friends only give a shit about themselves. When it’s their birthday they expect me to bend over fucking backwards so they can be happy on their day but when it comes to me I never get anything I want. all they do is bitch about where I want to go or they say lets do something else and we never can do what I want.On one of my birthday’s they did it without me because I refused to go to something that I had no interest in and was left alone on my birthday like many other times. My birthday is on Wednesday and you know what I hope everyone forgets again because I’ve been crying the whole weekend from everyone’s bull shit about how they are going to make me have a great birthday but they turn around and act like ass holes to me. SO what ever fuck my birthday and everything that comes along with it. I wasn’t even planing on celebrating it but no people say things will be different. Yeah it just gets worst through out the years.

Best Regards,

Salam

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My Mind is killing me..

I feel empty. Like I’m reaching and trying to find something to fill the hole but nothing does. I want to cry… As though that might release my emotions but I still can’t. I lack the physical capacity to cry or talk about my emotions. It’s so much easier to smile and pretend my life is great. Pretend I don’t feel like I’m going to break down. Pretend that my heart doesn’t feel constricted and like my breathing isn’t enough.

I’m the kind of girl that nobody notices. The kind of girl people won’t remember. The girl that’s never good enough.

I don’t want to go out ever. I just want to sleep, watch tv and read.. I want to be alone. I want to just stare at a wall and talk to no one. But at the same time, I’m so lonely and crave to talk to people. Why do I feel okay for a couple weeks and then suddenly it’s like I’m drowning in the hurricane of my own thoughts again?

What is wrong with me?

Such a happy, happy girl aren’t I? I really need to work on being less sarcastic even I am not .. Anyway, bye! Lots and lots of love to you all! xoxo

 

Salam

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I caught the boquet… :) Catching the bouquet at a Wedding, is it myth or fact?

when I catch the bouquet last night at my friend nanoos wedding everyone starts saying to me ” congratulations you r next” and that got me dreaming about it and wondering is it like handing over the boton to next in line during a marathon race or its purely a goodluck charm? where all the single ladies waiting to catch the bouquet i was a compititor with all single ladies.. 🙂

I want to get engaged and married soon however I am wondering if my success rate is beginning to upset people, As though in slow motion i was thinking to go back to my seat,but in a second before i back to my seat the flowers hit the air, eyes blinded by the light, and even before I think I knew what was really happening I was a streak of yellow shooting through the air, and flowers in my hands…. what a wonderfull feelings.

the biggest question i am asking my self : am I the next bride ???

wedding-traditions-bridal-bouquet-toss-2__full

regards,

salam

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سؤال الى دمعة خائنة ….. هل يتسع الفراغ لمزيد من الفراغ؟؟؟؟

سؤال الى دمعة خائنة ….. هل يتسع الفراغ لمزيد من الفراغ؟؟؟؟

توقعت كل شيء … كل شيء…. و لكن لم يخطر لي ابدا ان اتمادى في الوقاحة الى حد البكاء علنا….. ماذا يقول الاصدقاء عني ؟؟؟؟ انا عاجزة عن ابداء حركة مدروسة من شأنها ان تخدعهم ….. اعني ان توحي لهم بانني ذرفت دمعة فرح احتفالا بنصيبي من اللاشيء

لست حزينة الى هذا الحد،،، كل مافي الامر انني غدوت وحيدة بلا اصدقاء،،،، و وحيدة بلا ذكرى ،،، و حيدة بلا أب ،،، اه اه اه اه اه اه ،،، و وحيدة بلا وحدة ،،، و وحيدة بلا شيء ،، بل وحيدة مع كل شيء

لست حزينة الى هذا الحد … بل ان خسارتي سخيفة مقارنة مع خسارات الاخرين … لقد خسرت مجرد حياة … كانت عبئا منذ ان قيل المولود انثى…. فزغردت امراة زفت البشرى الى ابي … و اكل الناس لحما طبخته جدتي

المولود انثى و باعتبارها كذلك … فإن من العيب عليها ان تحابي دمعة خائنة… من العيب عليها ان تستسلم لوهن طارىء … من العيب عليها ان تسأل اين اذهب؟؟؟؟

لن احزن فثمة شاغر في الزحام … و ثمة مكان سوف لا ينزعج سكانه الاصليين من نزيل اضافي بلا مخ… و ثمة ضجيج سوف لا يفقد ايقاعه الرتيب باضافة نغمة نشاز ناجمة عن خطوات تائهة …. في ليلة ماطرة في عز الصيف… و ثمة فراغ يتسع للمزيد من الفراغ

انا لا الوم احدا … قد الوم نفسي لانني لم ادرك منذ البداية ان الحياة … كذبة كبيرة … او مسرحية جدا ساخرة … او انها حيلة غير متقنة انطلت علينا .. بعلمنا

 

سأنهض ألان … و سأحول ان ابدو متماسكة

      و ان سألني احدهم: اين تمضي ؟؟؟          ســــــــــأبتسم فقـــــــــــط

 

بقلم

سلام

 

 

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توقف قلمي عن الكتابة

 لم يسألني أحد  لماذا توقفت عن الكتابة ؟؟ لماذا ؟؟.. ومالسبب في ذلك ؟؟.. سؤال لم اعلم ماجوابه .. ولم ادرك ماهي الحياة التي عشتها بعد الغياب…. فأنا لم أعلم ماذا أكتب .. ولماذا أكتب ؟؟… ولمن أكتب!!! ….سحابة من الأحزان تحلق في رأسي ورذاذ الغدر والخيانة تجلد على كتفي وتلتف حولي أكفانها السوداء لتلقي بي وماتبقى من حياتي من ساعات ودقايق إلى الجحيم اللعين والآف من الآهات تستقر داخل قلبي والآف من التنهيدات تسكن في عواطفي ووجداني …. ليس لي سوى الصمت لكي أحيا في عالمي .. لذا قررت العزلة والوحدة .. وعزمت الرحيل إلى دنيا الوحدةواكتفيت بكوخ من أوراقي .. بعد أن تلاشت وتشتت قصور أحلامي.. لم يكن أمامي سوى قبول القدر. وقدري أن أظل صامتة.. وأعيش الحاضر والمستقبل ..فمن أكون أنا .. أين موقعي .. وأين أنا ألان؟؟ أنا  ؟؟؟؟؟ يالها من كلمة رائعة وأنانية في نفس الوقت ..فأنا أسكن في عالم أمتزجت فيه الضحكة مع البكاء …أبكي عندما أفرح .. ولاكن كيف أضحك عندما أبكي قانون بشري هزيل وأنا هنا أضحك باكية ليس أمامي غير ذلك …. ولكن لا وألف لا.. أنا ليس لي موقع في هذا التوقيت والمكان..  إنني مشتاقة للفرح ..مشتاقة للبسمة الذي غابت عني شهور ولم أشعرهم بها..

    اني اسأل نفسي الان.. يانفسي متى سيعود الذات إلى ذاتة .. متى سيسدل الستار على الماضي بكل مافيه من مرارة وألم .. متى سأترك السير على جسر المجهول ..ومتى هذة الصرخة القادمة من أغوار الأعماق سأبدلها إلى تنهيدة سعادة..؟؟؟

يانفسي بين أناملي قلم يأبى التدوين ..سوى سطور ضائعه .. كلمات منسية.. جمل صامتة.. عبارات نارفة.. فكفاكي لقد أرهقني عويلك هذا .. فلم يعد في العمر مكانا يتسع لمزيد من جنون حزنك هذا .. لقد حان الوقت لأهجر .. لأغادر .. هذا التوقيت الذي دقائقه ليست سوى جميعها سوى ستون ثانية.. فأنا ظمآنة لزمن البوح ظمأ لإرتواء فيه .. لقد سئمت العيش في عالم لا إنتماء فيه.. قم ياقلم وابعد عن كاهلك جبروت هذا الطغيان .. قم وتراقص على الورق رقصتك المعهودة التي تدمع لها كل عين تلتهم خطواتها.. قم معي . لنرحل.. فأنا لن أتوقف هنا.. لن أحيا داخل علامة استفهام ضحمة .. قم معي ولنرى ماذا بعد في الحياة كتبت من جديد..

 

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